88: The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Page Notes

Episode published on Sunday 6th of December, 2015.

You might be interested to know that this episode actually follows the events of a little story called Steel Nation: Rise of the Two Doctors, which features Ralph as one of its main characters. More specifically, this picks up a few weeks after the last page of that story.

To cut a long story short, Ralph came into a lot of money and used it to build the death ray seen here...only for some bastard to come along and pinch it right out from under him. Sod's law, eh?

Tagged: Ben Nevis, The Captain, Dr. Ralph Smiffington III, Lei the Henchman, Location - Paris, France, Max Valerion

---

Comments

---

Transcript

Title - 88: "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"

(Lightning crackles dramatically around Notre Dame Cathedral, rain is coming down in sheets. There's a voiceover from someone who's clearly manic.)

Voice: They mocked me! Called me 'mad'! Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!

(One of the two towers of the cathedral is housing a large ray gun, pointed sideways out of the building. The ranting continues.)

Voice: I'm not mad! I'm utterly livid! Insanely so!

(The ranting and raving is coming from a balding ginger hunchback in a lab coat wearing a fuschia fez and a pince-nez. His left eye is bright yellow with a red swirl to it. He's standing on one of the ornamental balconies of the cathedral with his arms open to the sky. He seems indifferent to the rain soaking him through to the skin. To the side of him the oversized ray gun crackles with energy from the nearby tower.)

Hunchback: That's why I've built my latest, greatest invention - the Atomic Immolator! First Paris, then France, and then the world! They will all rue the day they mocked DR. RALPH SMIFFINGTON THE THIRD! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!

(Suddenly, in-between lightning flashes, a white-suited man appears next to him, wearing a matching white fedora. It's Pain. Ralph is suddenly aware that he is not alone on the balcony and is enraged when he turns to find that he has company.)

Ralph: Agh! Where'd you come from!?
Pain: My apologies, sir. I can see you're in the middle of something but I promise I won't take up much of your time.

(Ralph storms inside the spire, where it's atmospherically lit by standing studio lighting hooked up to generators. Ralph hasn't had time to deck out the spire properly, he's clearly been focused on getting his plan into action. Everything is makeshift - there are some temporary workbenches set up amongst the typical storage crates that seem to materialise wherever the diminutive hunchback goes. There are blueprints scattered on the floor along with a wanted poster for Ralph. Pain follows Ralph nonchalantly, arms behind his back casually.)

Ralph: I don't know who you are, sir, but I'm in the middle of something very important!

(Ralph gestures towards his doomsday weapon sat aimed out of the window from the room.)

Ralph: I'm just about to completely wipe Paris off the map, if you don't mind.
Pain: I don't mind at all! No, I'm just a local trader who thought you might be interested in my services! My card.

(Pain hands over his card and waves a finger behind him. While the conversation continues, the Captain, some henchmen and Ben walk over to the ray gun. Ben picks it up with little effort and carries it off, leaving the Captain to shrug at the henchmen and they all jog off after the burly Scotsman.)

Ralph: Detulux Incorporated...Don't you do washing machines?
Pain: Let's just say that we've branched out into guns and armaments!
Ralph: Well I'm more of an independent D.I.Y. villain. I don't have the budget or patience to recruit and arm a workforce. I build most of the guns I use!
Pain: That's a shame. Keep my card anyway in case you change your mind. We're local!
Ralph: Alright. Mr. Spain, is it?
Pain: (annoyed) S. Pain. There's a full stop.

(Pain looks off to the side to see the Captain giving him a thumbs up from an exit doorway as the henchmen hurry out of the room. Ralph is still oblivious as he adjusts his glasses to read the fine print on the card Pain gave him, holding it right up to his face.)

Pain: I wouldn't worry too much about my name, I'm thinking of changing it next week.
Ralph: Well, Mister...Pain, if you don't mind I really must get on with annihilating Paris now.
Pain: Certainly! Sorry to intrude! Before I go, could I have one of your cards...?

(Ralph searches his lab coat and produces a small white card. It bears the symbol of a cackling face with a crazy eye like Ralph's and features the writing "Dr. Ralph Smiffington III - International Supercriminal".)

Ralph: Oh, yes...I've got one on me somewhere...here.

(Pain looks at the card, unimpressed. Ralph cleans his glasses with a hankie.)

Pain: Thanks kindly. If I need to get in touch, is this your permanent address?
Ralph: I'll be frank, I tend to move around a lot. Just try any prominent landmarks, you'll probably find me.

(Pain tips his hat to Ralph as he walks towards the exit his henchman just ran out of. He's sneering slightly as he pokes his head around the door with one last piece of advice.)

Pain: Will do! Oh, one last thing, a bit of friendly advice - if you're going to set up some sort of doomsday superweapon, I wouldn't do it from the top of a tall landmark. You can see it for miles - anyone might want to steal it!

(Ralph slams the doors to on Pain with both hands.)

Ralph: I'll take it into consideration!

(Ralph is suddenly back to being maniacal, rubbing his hands with glee and eyes wide with sinister glee.)

Ralph: Now, where were we? Oh yes! The atomic immolation of Paris!

(Now facing the room, Ralph finally notices the distinct lack of a massive doomsday device. He runs over to the window and looks down, rain splashing his face. Down below on the ground, Pain is walking towards a conspicuously covered truck, the tarpaulin only just being secured by a henchman. The Captain leans out of a nearby jeep, pointing up to where Ralph is leaning out. Pain turns and waves as he steps up into the truck. Realising that Pain and his men have stolen his coveted doomsday device, Ralph angrily shakes his fist as he yells down at them.)

Ralph: How dare you! I'll get you for this, Spain-

(He pauses to check the business card Pain gave him, fist still held in the air.)

Ralph: -er, I mean, Pain! Whatever your name is!

(He leans out of the window further, scrunching up the business card in his hand.)

Ralph: Detulux Incorporated will rue the day they messed with Dr. Ralph Smiffington the Third! I know where you work!

(He pauses again to check the business card, and then points off in the direction he thinks Detulux is based on the address on the card.)

Ralph: Over there, somewhere! I'll Google it!

Episode tagline: The joke's really on Pain, he's just stepped into a British lorry where the steering wheel is on the wrong side of the cab for driving on French roads.