87: Drinker on the Roof

Page Notes

Episode published on Sunday 29th of November, 2015.

The song. Just imagine it being sung by a drunken cockney.

Tagged: Location - Detulux HQ, Location - Paris, France, Max Valerion, Musical interludes, Newbie the Henchman, Snowball the cat

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Comments

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Transcript

Title - 87: "Drinker on the Roof"

(It is night at the Detulux compound. Up on the roof of the HQ building, the only light comes from the few lights around the helipad and a shaft of light from the doors as a figure steps through them. It's Pain. He is not wearing his jacket, has his shirt sleeves rolled up and his tie untied and hanging loosely around his neck. In one hand he is holding a half-empty whiskey bottle and he's clearly a little tipsy, rosy-cheeked from the drink. Pain is talking to himself.)

Pain: Lord, mate. I realise there's a lot of poor blokes out there...I mean, there's no shame in being poor, alright.

(Through the double doors to the roof, we can see a white cat watching its master from the corridor beyond with curiosity.)

Pain: But it's no great honour, either. So what would be the problem, if I had...a small fortune?

(Pain loses himself in singing, throwing out his arms, closing his eyes and placing a foot on the waist-high wall surrounding the roof.)

Pain: If I were a rich man, ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum. All day long I'd biddy biddy bum-

(Pain begins frogmarching along the safety wall. We see two henchmen watching from down below on the ground; one is an elite henchman and the other is Newbie the henchman a.k.a. "the new guy" who has appeared in several episodes before. Newbie is holding a torch, implying that he's patrolling the grounds with his armoured colleague.)

Pain: -if I were a wealthy man!
Newbie: What's he singing about? He is a rich man!
Elite henchman: He's probably just finished filling out the staff pay slips.
Newbie: Ah.

(Oblivious to his onlookers, Pain continues singing dramatically.)

Pain: IIIII wouldn't have to work hard!
Newbie: He doesn't work hard!
Elite: Shh! He might hear you!
Newbie: Well all I'm saying that if he's such a hard worker, how come he's got time to drink whiskey and sing on the roof?

Narrator: Two minutes and sixteen seconds later...

(Pain is really in the middle of the dramatic delivery now. He is imagining being surrounded by figures of influence; politicians, generals, etc.)

Pain: The most important men around would come to fawn on me! They would ask me to advise them...like-ah Solomon the Wise. "If you please, Mr. Pain..."..."Pardon me, Mr. Pain..."...

(He crosses his eyes comically.)

Pain: Posing problems that would cross a madman's eeeeyyyes!
Newbie: I'm really impressed, he's going for broke.

(Pain breaks the fourth wall by leaning in conspiratorially, singing behind one of his hands as if in secret and winking.)

Pain: And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.

(Pain fans out a wad of 100 Euro notes, closing his eyes and grinning like an idiot.)

Pain: When you're rich, they think you really know!

Narrator: Fifty-five seconds of singing later...

(Still singing, Pain swaggers drunkenly along the wall. His cat is now sitting outside and watching him intently.)

Pain: Lord who made the lion and the lamb, you decreed I should be what I am!

(We see a bird's eye view from above as Pain throws out his arms and yells at the sky.)

Pain: Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan?

(From below, we see that Pain has reached the corner of the building and is completely oblivious to this fact as he's got his eyes closed while he sings his guts out.)

Pain: If I were a weal-thy maaa-
Newbie: Should we warn him that he's about to run out of roof?
Elite: Nahhh!

(Pain steps off and immediately regrets his decision, screaming as he plummets off of the building.)

Pain: -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!

(Pain lands head-first into a vast white pile with a "FLUMP". The two henchmen run over to the pile, which up close is revealed to be a large pile of medical kits. Pain's head comes up for air from the pile with a gasp, his glasses crooked. The elite henchman seems genuinely concerned for his boss.)

Elite: You okay, Boss?

(Pain adjusts his glasses, looking around at the pile that he's sitting up to his chest in.)

Pain: I'm fine! This randomly stacked pile of first-aid kits broke my fall. You know, I usually rant about people leaving this stuff lying around the base. Now I don't know what to think!

(Newbie jerks a thumb at a nearby cluster of barrels at the other end of the building.)

Newbie: At least you didn't land on one of the explosive barrels!

(The elite henchman points to his left, where there is a large pile of blue body armour vests.)

Elite: You could have got away with landing on that body armour over there. That would've protected your health!

(Pain cocks an eyebrow, suddenly less amused with the situation.)

Pain: Whatever. Don't you two have anything better to do?

(Newbie is unimpressed, the elite henchman is sarcastic.)

Both henchmen: Don't you?

(Pain swigs from the whiskey bottle that is still in his grasp.)

Pain: Touché.

Episode tagline: Oh stop pretending you care about your boss in that one panel, armoured henchman. Just 30 seconds ago you were more than happy to watch him plummet to his doom! Suddenly remembered that he needs to sign next month's paycheck, hmm?