89: Final Fight of Rage

Page Notes

Episode published on Sunday 13th of December, 2015.

In case you haven't worked it out, I'm a massive fan of Streets of Rage and side-scrolling beat 'em ups in general. They just don't make them like this anymore, although I am aware of the anomaly that is Mother Russia Bleeds (I'm just a little reluctant to play it as it seems to be a bit too grotty in presentation for my liking). Streets of Rage 2 was my favourite game and Max the wrestler was my favourite character, here portrayed by H.G. (Pain, meanwhile, has been given the tiny proportions of Skate, also from SoR2).

Technically speaking my favourite SoR game is Streets of Rage Remake, a fan project that took the best part of ten years to make only for SEGA to cease-and-desist it immediately upon its launch, only to then release the shittiest port of SoR2 ever produced (the fecking thing had lag, for feck's sake!). I highly recommend SoRR if you can get ahold of a copy, as it mashes up all three games into one super game with multiple paths and endings, and even adds a bunch of characters to play as. Want to play as the bad guy Mr. X? Well you can! It's awesome. SEGA should really learn from their recent success with Sonic Mania and just pay the developers of SoRR to release it on modern consoles.

I have to admit that the SoR games were very 90's in aesthetic. They looked iconic though. Hmm? Final Fight? Never played it. I was a SEGA kid, sorry.

Tagged: H.G. the Hacker Guy, Location - Detulux HQ, Location - Paris, France, Max Valerion, Snowball the cat, What H.G. gets up to in his spare time

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Comments

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Transcript

Title - 89: "Final Fight of Rage"

(We join the action mid-adventure. Pain and H.G. are standing on a street near a street sign that reads "GO STRAIGHT" with an arrow pointing to the right. H.G. is uncharacteristically tall and ripped like the Incredible Hulk, while Pain also does not seem to be his usual self; he's a little bit small and skinny, positively runty in stature. H.G. cracks his knuckles as, slightly further up the street, a gang of oddly-dressed thugs and hooligans approaches. There's something very 90's about them, all denim and mohawks.)

H.G.: Here they come, Boss! Get ready!
Pain: ...Why are you so big?

(A bunch of thugs run at them. H.G. gets into a brawl, punching them around like they are made of cardboard. Pain approaches one, swings a fist and falls into the thug's arms. Pain attempts a second punch, only to miss pathetically and land heavily on his backside. He picks himself up.)

Pain: Why do I keep falling every time I-

(He cuts himself off to take another wild swing at the thug he's having trouble with, only to miss again and land on his face. Looking up, H.G. is holding one thug at arm's length literally with one of his massive arms and is yawning. Pain seems confused as H.G. dispatches the thug in his hand with one punch to the stomach.)

Pain: How come you're finding it so easy and I'm finding this so difficult? You're mowing through blokes like they're made of toilet paper!

(Seeing an American-style trash can nearby, H.G. punches it away, revealing a whole cooked chicken where the bin was, complete with plate. H.G. scarfs it down in one gulp. Seeing this, Pain contemplates another trash can, nudges it over with a fist and finds another cooked chicken. He curiously begins to tuck in but halfway through a mouthful he immediately turns green and pukes his guts up. Winded, Pain questions H.G. while the massive hacker grapples a fat thug in a baseball cap.)

Pain: Why are we eating chickens out of bins? How come you didn't get sick? Who keeps leaving these cooked chickens in bins anyway?!?

(H.G. doesn't answer, instead grabbing a lead pipe off of the floor and coshing the thug he's grappling over the head with it.)

H.G.: Boss, grab a pipe!

(Pain struggles to lift a pipe with his weedy frame.)

Pain: Strange place for a lead pipe. Did a maintenance worker leave this lying around-

(A foot suddenly kicks Pain in the head, sending him flying. It's accompanied by a voice screaming "YAAAAA". H.G. steps up to near his boss as the source of the kick, a tall ninja-type man with a bandanna and karate gi, steps forward into the fray. Pain seems determined.)

H.G.: Look out, Boss, it's the boss!
Pain: We'll see about that!

(Pain is knocked about six ways from Sunday and is taken out by a throw followed by a kick to the head, which kills him. He gains two X's for eyes and his tongue flops out.)

Pain: I'm dead.

(H.G. shoulder charges forward.)

H.G.: I've got this!

(The shoulder charge hits the ninja man and kills him outright. He falls to the floor dramatically.)

Ninja: ROOAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

(H.G. throws his arms up in victory while his boss remains dead on the floor. Victory music plays and suddenly the two men become pixellated sprites. The words "STAGE 1 CLEAR" appear in front of them, the entire episode having been a computer game playing on one of H.G.'s monitor screens in the basement at Detulux HQ. H.G. has been playing the game at his keyboard while Pain sits next to him, jacket off and tie untied casually while playing using a controller. Pain's odd-eyed white cat Snowball sits on his lap. H.G. swivels in his seat towards his boss, expectantly. Pain seems unimpressed, bordering on annoyed.)

H.G.: So what do you think of my game?
Pain: I think it's got major balancing issues.

Episode tagline: I mean, it's not as unbalanced as Streets of Rage 3. That game just sucks.