Page Notes
Episode published on Sunday 26th of June, 2016.
This is exactly how the events of Chapter 0 played out and you can't convince me otherwise.
Tagged:
D.P. Slymme,
Harry the Detulux Receptionist,
Inspector Jacques Russo,
Location - Detulux HQ,
Location - Paris, France,
Max Valerion,
Melvin Pratt the Environ-mental Protestor,
Newbie the Henchman,
Sebastian Paine the CEO of Detulux
Comments
Transcript
Title - 99: "An Inspector Calls"
Subtitle - x. "What Really Happened"
(Pain snaps his fingers in faux realisation.)
Paine: Ah, I remember now!
(The following scenes are depicted in flashback, illustrating Pain's made-up version of events. Melvin, wearing only his vest and pants, drives a small yellow Fiat 500 through the front security barrier of the Detulux compound, screeching around the corner recklessly. A henchman shakes his fist from the security booth next to the barrier.)
Henchman: HEY!
Paine (in flashback): That fella came tearin' up jake into the compound, makin' a ruckus.
(Having managed to upend his car on one side, Melvin stamps around at the front gate waving a fist and holding a sign featuring a cartoon whale that reads "WHALES OR SOME SHIT". Melvin himself is cross-eyed with rage and two henchmen angrily approach him from the front and behind.)
Paine (in flashback): He was stinkin' 'a hooch, rantin' an' ravin' that mah washing machines were damagin' the "environ-ment".
(Melvin doubles over and violently throws up.)
Melvin: BLAAARGH
Paine (in flashback): An' then he threw up a lot.
(Back in the present in the Detulux lobby, the questioning continues.)
Russo: And 'is cluthes...?
Paine: (shrugging) Ain't the foggiest. He was like that when he busted in.
Russo: He maintains zat 'e saw ze white-zooted man haire, een zis facilitay of yurs.
(Pain scratches the back of his head in thought.)
Paine: Well, ah can explain that.
(There's an awkward pause as Pain attempts to come up with an explanation. Russo and Slymme seem unimpressed.)
Russo: ...Well?
(Slymme leans in and raises a finger.)
Slymme: Aheh, just because he can doesn't mean he has to.
Paine: Aw come now, here's the skinny:
(The fake flashback continues. Sebastian Paine sits in a study room in a comfy chair reading a book. He's sitting near a window, a full bookcase and an old-style brass-handled sepia globe. Paine looks angrily out of the window, distracted from his book.)
Paine (in flashback): Ah was sitting in mah study with mah readin' glasses on when ah heard all the hootin' an hollerin' outside...
(Paine puts on a white dressing gown with a cream-coloured trim, looking peeved as he does so.)
Paine (in flashback): ...so ah put mah best white dressin' gown on an' headed outside.
(Outside, Melvin has specks of vomit on his vest and is literally foaming at the mouth, still cross-eyed with rage. Paine stands nearby, in white dressing gown and slippers leaning on his cane while Newbie the henchman comically clutches at his head and cries. To highlight that Newbie is the new guy, he's wearing a red learner "L" plate around his neck.)
Melvin: Rarwghl blargle!
Paine (in flashback): Sure enough, this Melvin fella's there. That's what he saw - me in a robe!
(Back in the present, Russo remains skeptical.)
Russo: And as fur yur moustache?
(Pain makes a gesture of smallness using a finger and thumb.)
Paine: Aw shucks, you don't need ta have good eyesight to realise that, if you squint a bit, I've a passin' 'semblance to the white-suited fella. An' the guy was drunk as a skunk.
Slymme: I'd just like to say that any passing resemblance to Mr. Paine is purely coincidental and that the fellow is in no way related to anyone working at Detulux Incorporated [living or deceased].
Russo: Hmm. Mai ai see zis robe?
Paine: Unfortunately Mr. Pratt saw fit to throw up all over it before we escorted him out. It's been thrown away.
(Russo leans in toward Pain menacingly, unimpressed. Pain just grins.)
Russo: How convoniont! 'ow vairy, vairy convoniont. Fair you.
Paine: Ah think it's time for us to take the grand tour, don't you?
(As Pain escorts Russo out, he pauses briefly to look at the receptionist. Near the door one of Russo's escort policemen stares off into space, clearly lost in thought.)
Paine: (under his breath) Sheesh...
(Slymme turns to the receptionist, unimpressed, with his hands behind his back.)
Slymme: You silly, twisted boy, you.
Episode tagline: That random cop sat on the bench must be having some killer daydreams right now.
