Page Notes
Episode published on Sunday 1st of November, 2015.
If you couldn't tell from this page, I didn't like Mirror's Edge very much. While I admire the aesthetic and the strong female characters in it, there was a certain pretentiousness to the whole thing and it wouldn't have been amiss for the whole thing to have an alternative title of "Hipsters Freerunning on Skyscrapers".
I also have to credit the game for trying something new, in attempting to be a platformer in first person view. Unfortunately this doesn't bloody work as a concept and so the gameplay was complete arse. The amount of times I fell off buildings because I couldn't tell where the edge was in relation to my feet was astounding. VR might fix this, otherwise platforming games should be kept in third person, period.
Red Dwarf did indeed do this joke first; I believe around series 7 they knock Lee Harvey Oswald out of a window while he attempts to assassinate JFK and then they think there's a giant pizza on the floor when they look down from the building. I didn't intentionally rip off the joke, I just remembered it when it came time to letter this page.
Tagged:
The Captain,
Max Valerion
Comments
Transcript
Title - 83: "Mirror’s Crack'd"
(A skinny, athletic-looking woman stands the side of a shimmering skyscraper, thoughtfully admiring her reflection. For purposes of this transcript, we will call her "Hope". The city behind her is a modern cubist affair in all white and glass. We see her internal monologue.)
Hope (monologue): This city has changed. The tonal shift of its underbelly made it the washed-out lifeless shell it currently is. It wasn't always like this, back before the fighting. I remember those days with fervent belief in my heart that one day, maybe this city will-
(Much to her surprise, a window is opened into her face. It's Pain, having apparently not noticed her and admonishing the Captain behind him.)
Pain: -if you have to smoke those bloody things in here you'll do it by the window!
(Opening the window fully, Hope is shoved off of the side of the building. Pain is still berating the Captain who stands behind him, annoyed.)
Pain: Last thing we need is for the bloody sprinklers-
Hope: AAAAGGHH!
(The boys peer out of the window, looking for the source of the noise.)
Pain: What the hell was that noise?
Captain: (looking down below) Whoa, look at that huge pizza down there!
(They peer down at the dull grey street below, where a suspicious circle of red is situated in the middle of the road. A crowd is gathering around it.)
Pain: Random. Must be trying to break a world record or something.
Captain: Must be why there's so many people standing around it, yeah.
(Pain turns away from the window to get back to whatever he was doing. The Captain continues to watch the street, brow raised.)
Pain: Oh well, back to work! Have you cretins got that safe open yet...
Episode tagline: That's what you get for monologuing pretentious purple prose while standing on the side of a tall building without safety equipment - a joke that Red Dwarf already did.
