52: Occupant Sin 4 - xxxiii. The Ultimate Fling

Page Notes

Episode published on Sunday 26th of August, 2007.

In the last third of Resident Evil 4, someone finally saw fit to give some of the soldiers guns. But not just any guns, oh no, really big ones that wouldn't look out of place mounted to the side of a helicopter. It wouldn't be until Resident Evil 5 when the enemies started using more conventional guns (AK47s, I think).

The Gatling gun soldier's counterpart is the hammer soldier, an equally sizeable figure who prefers to get in your face and hit you with a big spikey mallet. The two have a nasty habit of turning up at just the wrong moment, usually when you're busy dealing with an oncoming horde of normal soldier enemies (some of which are armed with taser sticks).

Originally this episode was named after the Gatling soldier's official name, "J.J." - but this was just a tad copyright-riffic, so I've renamed it after another Poets of the Fall song instead in reference to Ben's discus throwing skills.

Tagged: Ben Nevis, The Captain, Location - Burdener Island, Location - Spain, Max Valerion

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Comments

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Transcript

Title - 52: "Occupant Sin 4"
Subtitle - xxxiii. "The Ultimate Fling"

(Pain rams his elbows into the stomachs of two of the soldiers behind him. He whirls around and lands a straight punch across one of them, and grabs the other by the ears and launches his right knee into the soldier's face, causing the soldier to drop the nightstick it was carrying. A soldier in an orange jumpsuit wearing a gasmask leaps on to Pain's back, grappling him to the floor. Struggling, Pain reaches out and grabs at the dropped nightstick, lifting it and forcing it through one of the lenses of the soldier's gasmask, into his eye. The soldier releases Pain as it claws at the handle sticking out of its face. Pain stands and dusts himself off.)

Gasmask Soldier: MMHR!
Pain: That's what you get for dirtying my suit!

(Pain notices the button on the nightstick's handle sticking out of the soldier's face. He presses it.)

Pain: Hey what's this button do?
Gasmask Soldier: MMMHRM!

(Pain flinches back as electricity courses through the gasmask soldier. Smoke rises from the back of the gasmask.)

SFX: ZZZZZAP! CRACKLE!
Pain: EEYAH!
Gasmask Soldier: GAAAAAAGH!

(The gasmask soldier topples backwards, smoking. Pain reaches out, genuinely sorry. A little girl with black hair in a black dress and gasmask watches, lollipop in hand.)

SFX: SSS!
Pain: Oh right. Stun stick. My bad!
Girl: ...

(The little girl begins to walk off.)

Pain: ...Terribly sorry!
Girl: (speaking in Spanish) Meh, he was only my Step-Father. You did my Mother a favour, really.

(The two soldiers Pain attacked at the beginning of the episode pick themselves up and sneak up on Pain. A voice calls out in warning.)

Voice: Boss, look out!

(It turns out to be the Captain, driving a bumper car at top speed across the dirt. He sends the two soldiers flying.)

Captain: OUT THE WAY!
SFX: BAMPF!

(Pain adjusts his glasses, surprised at what just happened. The Captain relights his cigarette.)

Pain: Er, good job, Captain.
Captain: Eh, it was mostly by accident.

(Pain adjusts his tie, while the defeated soldiers begin to dissolve.)

Pain: All these bloody soldiers and still not one of them carries a gun!

(The Captain looks worried having seen something, tapping on Pain's shoulder.)

Captain: Er-

(They turn and see a tall muscular soldier with an eye patch, beard and beret. He's carrying a massive Gatling gun with a bandolier of ammunition around his torso. He looks very angry as he approaches.)

Massive Soldier: TE VOY A HACER PICADILLO!

(The Gatling gun begins to whirr, Pain and the Captain back off towards the bumper car parked behind them.)

Gun SFX: VRRR-
Pain: Ah...one for Ben, I think!

(Pain and the Captain leap behind the bumper car as the Gatling gun blazes away, bullets ricocheting off of the car.)

SFX: BRRAKAKAK!

(Meanwhile, Ben Nevis has won a prize on the test-your-strength machine. The machine's attendant, another tall muscular soldier - this one covered in metal plates and straps - is about to hand a teddy bear to Ben. Ben notices the soldier with the Gatling gun attacking Pain.)

SFX: BRRAKAKA!
Game Attendant: (speaking in Spanish) Here's your prize.

(Ben grabs and lifts the attendant over his head.)

Game Attendant: (in Spanish) Oh my!
Ben: 'scuse me, lad. It's nuthin' pers'nal.

(Ben yells at the Gatling gun soldier.)

Ben: OI!
Gatling Soldier: Que?

(The Gatling soldier turns just in time to see the game attendant flying towards him, having just been flung by Ben. Ben stamps on the floor, and the bell from the broken test-your-strength machine bounces off of the ground. He catches it in his hand.)

Ben: You should nae shoot at mah boss while mah back is turned! It's just rude!

(Ben winds back and launches the bell with a Highland fling! The Gatling soldier raises his head, being pinned down by the now unconscious game attendant.)

Gatling Soldier: Que?

(The bell smacks the Gatling soldier in the head, knocking him unconscious.)

SFX: BINGG!

(Pain and the Captain stand up from behind the bullet-riddled bumper car. Ben hefts up both the game attendant's hammer and the Gatling soldier's gun. In the background, the concession's stand is noticeably absent of the Merchant, and a sign reading "GONE TO LUNCH" has appeared.)

Pain: Well done! Capital job, Ben.
Ben: These are just mah size!
Captain: We have a plan, right?

(Pain seems momentarily taken aback by the Captain's question, obviously not having a plan. He notices a radio tower in the distance amongst some buildings, and has an idea. He punches his own palm in determination.)

Pain: We do now!

(The Captain goes to light a fresh cigarette, but his pack of cigarette is empty.)

Captain: Aww, nuts!

Episode Tagline: Be glad I don't work for DC Comics, otherwise in this episode Captain would be trying to avoid running over Pain in his bumper car across Infinite Earths. Or at least on Earths 1 through 1198. In all the others he runs over his boss and promptly breaks his neck. And of course none of this happens in the Antimatter Universe, because in that universe Detulux Inc really is a legitimate business, one that sells insurance. Oh, and obviously it doesn't happen on Earth-3183, either, because in that dimension Pain is responsible for the crazy Spanish farmers and Burdener is the one trying to stop him. I'd like to think this comic takes place on Earth Prime, and then I remember that there has to be at least one dimension where the events here take place without Detulux Inc's interference *coughResidentEvil4cough*. You know what? Screw this. I'm going to go read some Marvel comics instead.