40: Occupant Sin 4 - xxi. The Monster Mash

Page Notes

Episode published on Thursday 12th of April, 2007.

The villagers of Resident Evil 4 have a village chief. His big, he's bald, he's bearded, and he's over six feet tall. Chief Mendez is a loyal follower of the main villain, Lord Saddler, despite the fact that his various notes scattered around the village imply that he's a little bit doubtful over his master's competency in leadership. In the course of the game you actually stroll though his house about twice (it's rather inconveniently sat in the middle of the road to the well you climb down to get to the water treatment plant, but then we've already discussed the questionable town planning). You walk into him in a cutscene where he warns you to watch your step or he'll discipline your arse, and then he goes into his bedroom as the level ends. On the next level you can actually follow him into his room, where another cutscene kicks in and he throws you to the floor. He's otherwise distracted by gunshots from his window before he can lay the smackdown on Leon, and he promptly exits his room through the window in pursuit of the mystery assailant.

Point is, most players are stupid enough to follow him into his room. But then again most players are stupid enough to shoot into the water at the end of the dock overlooking the lake. Ahem.

You eventually square off against the Chief inside a warehouse, one that's on fire. He turns into a centipede thing and monkeys around in the roof beams, dropping down to stab at you. Not a particularly hard boss fight. The worst part is that he's a blatant diversion from the main path; you need his false eye to use on an eye scanner that unlocks a locked gate stopping you from progressing. I'm not quite sure how that works but, hey, let's not question the little bit of high-technology blocking your way in the otherwise low-tech trappings of rural Spain.

Tagged: The Captain, Location - Spain, Max Valerion, The Merchant

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Comments

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Transcript

Title - 40: "Occupant Sin 4"
Subtitle - xxi. "The Monster Mash"

(Pain and the Captain hug a wall and peer around the corner, watching a group of nearby farmers. One of the farmers is unusually tall, and is bending down to a console within a wall next to two vast riveted steel doors.)

Captain: What're they doing?
Pain: It's a retinal scanner. Shit.

(Both return back around the wall.)

Captain: So? You have a chainsaw!
Pain: (sceptically) On solid steel?
Captain: Well...whatever.

(They peer back around the wall, Pain pointing at the tall man.)

Pain: Look, we'll have to follow that guy, he's obviously the head honcho or something.

(The group of farmers enter through the steel doors, and close them behind them. The tall man strolls away. He is bald with a long beard, and has one brown glass eye. He dresses in a long trenchcoat.)

Pain: We'll just 'convince' him to unlock the door for us.

(The Captain comes away from the wall and stares off in thought.)

Captain: You want to go and threaten the eight foot tall psychopathic-looking dude. I really don't have enough cigarettes for this shit.
Narrator: And so-

(Pain and the Captain stand on a road that leads to a large warehouse in the distance. The tall man is entering the warehouse through a side door. Pain points a thumb over his shoulder towards the warehouse.)

Pain: He's going into that warehouse.
Captain: Can't say I like this, Boss.
Narrator: Inside-

(In the darkness of the warehouse, the two heft their weapons - the Captain holding one UZI and Pain carrying both his revolver and his chainsaw. They look around.)

Pain: Hmm...

(Suddenly, the tall man appears and swiftly grabs them both around the throat. Pain and Captain drop their weapons due to the reflex of surprise.)

Captain: Urgle!
Pain: Glurk!

(The tall man holds them both by the neck out in front of him. Pain grins.)

Pain: Ah, you must be the village chief!
Chief: Egh, Cabrones!

(The Captain points over the Chief's shoulder.)

Captain: Hey, look! A three-headed monkey!

(The Chief stares at the Captain in incomprehension. Pain's hand reaches out while the Chief is distracted and swipes his fake eye.)

Pain: Yoink!
Chief: RAAARGH!

(The Captain delivers a knee to the Chief's groin.)

Chief: Urgh!

(As the Chief staggers back rubbing his groin, Captain turns to Pain in disbelief.)

Captain: You ripped out his eyeball?!
Pain: It's glass, you moron.

(They turn back to face the Chief, who's eyes have turned red. His hands have become claw-like, and he is spitting blood.)

Pain: You kneed him in the balls?
Captain: Yeah...
Chief: GRR...

(The Chief pulls his coat open, and his torso rips free from his abdomen as he turns into some kind of centipede monster. Limbs erupt from his spine and his skin tears as he becomes elongated.)

Chief: GRAGH!
Pain: I think you made him angry.

(The Chief approaches the two, who point at each other.)

Captain: He stole your eye!
Pain: He kicked you in the nads!

(The Chief lunges for the Captain. The Captain shrieks.)

Chief: Cabron!
Captain: WAAAGH!

(Pain deftly leaps behind the Chief, passing his chainsaw across the elongated spine and separating the Chief's torso from his legs.)

SFX: VVVRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAGH!

(Pain then cuts through the spiny limbs on the Chief's back as the torso tumbles towards the Captain, who is cowering in terror.)

SFX: VRR-VRRRRRAGH-VRRAGH!
Captain: AAAGH!

(The torso of the Chief lands on the Captain's back and its arms clasp themselves around him. The Chief stares into the back of the Captain's head.)

Captain: ...

(The Captain begins to run around hysterically, the Chief's torso still hanging on.)

Captain: Ohmygoddetthisfreakinguglybastardoffamefortheloveofgodpleasejustgetthisf***ingthingoffme! Aggggh!

(Pain scratches his chin in contemplation.)

Pain: Heh. This gives me a great idea!

(And so, we see the Merchant set up with his wares next to one of his flaming blue torches.)

Voice: Excuse me?
Merchant: Yes?

(Pain present a large cage, like that for a bird. Inside it sits the Chief, or at least what's left of him.)

Pain: How much for an undead monkey?
Chief: RAAAAAAAGH!
Merchant: I'll buy it at a high price!

(The Chief turns to face Pain, and raises a finger. He talks, much to the Merchant's surprise and Pain's annoyance.)

Chief: I do say, this cage is rather embarrassing. I'm an educated man, you know.
Pain: ...Monkey needs to be quiet now.

Episode tagline: And that's why every video game should have a chainsaw. Period. Hey! Did you notice that I managed to get the word 'monkey' into this episode 3 whole times! Kewl!