136. The Consortium - xviii. Getting Wet

Page Notes

Episode published on Friday 1st of February, 2019.

If you couldn't tell, I didn't like the villain in Quantum of Solace very much.

Artist note: I have to wonder how long Pain was stood there, staring at the empty corridor if the doctors had time to grab a drink and run out to Ralph's "flying pod"...

On another note, spare a thought for poor Gyrode. He came here for the free food. Now he's soaking wet, covered in some random dude and just took a jet of flame to the face. I'm not sure his day can get much worse!

Tagged: Daniel Bleu, Dr. Ivanovich Gregori Romani Gyrode, Dr. Ralph Smiffington III, Location - Consortium Meeting Warehouse, Mara Kyler, Max Valerion

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Comments

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Transcript

Title - 136: "The Consortium"
Subtitle - xviii. "Getting Wet"

(Pain peers out of the window in the room's door, pressing down on some of the slats in the closed blind mounted in front of the window. A line of light bisects his face as he looks out, a serious expression on his face. Mara leans against the one desk in the room, arms crossed and looking unimpressed at Pain's cynicism.)

Pain: I'm not happy. If you sent me the invitation promising "Mr. A" that I'd be an easy mark then you've misjudged me.
Mara: I thought you'd be happy to have a whole range of new customers delivered straight to you?

(Content there's nobody outside the room, Pain turns back to face Mara. Frowning, he rubs his fingers together gesturing for cash.)

Pain: Yeah, if they pay the right price!
Mara: The "discount" is all talk. Mr. A really just wants you on the team.

(Smiling, Mara places her hands on Pain's shoulders in an attempt to calm him down.)

Pain: Why?
Mara: Because you're more dangerous to him if you're not on the team. Same reason as to why half of W.R.A.I.T.H is here. Same reason everyone is here.

(She starts caressing his face.)

Pain: And what if I don't sign up?
Mara: Then they'll find another arms dealer or-

(She imagines Jason Mallet, giving two thumbs up and smiling.)

Mara: -god forbid, promote Mallet as the main distributor.
Imaginary Mallet: Eeey!

(Leaning in closer, Mara strokes Pain's chin with a finger.)

Mara: There's other perks, too...

(Mara walks over to the desk, undoing her jacket. Pain places his hands on his hips.)

Pain: Protection? Honour among thieves? That sort of thing?

(Mara sits across the desk, shrugging off her jacket.)

Mara: It'll also make me really happy...

(Pain pauses for a beat, then heads towards the door, leaving Mara exasperated.)

Mara: Oh come on! You don't know what I've had to do to swing this deal for you!

(Pain locks the door, grinning at Mara as he begins to take his tie off.)

Pain: I suppose I'd better show my appreciation then...

(Back in the corridor, Ralph is holding a gun that looks like a child's water pistol. It is plugged into a big clunky backpack he's wearing. He grins evilly at the weapon in his hands.)

Ralph: Ha haa! This will be his demise!

(Dr. Gyrode leans in to inspect the device on Ralph's back.)

Gyrode: What is it?
Ralph: This is my Portable Hydration De-compressor! One hit from this little baby and that Spain prick will be reconstituted into pure H2O!

(Ralph imagines zapping Pain with the device the moment he and Mara step into the corridor from the office. Pain melts horribly, while Mara clasps both sides of her face, shocked.)

Imaginary Pain: I'm meeeelting! What a world, what a world!
Imaginary Mara: I can't believe how evil this is!
Imaginary Ralph: HAHAHAHAH!

(Behind Ralph, Gyrode peers around the corner down the corridor behind them at a group of suited Consortium guards. One of the guards is pointing vaguely in the direction of the two doctors as he converses with the others.)

Gyrode: Comrade, more of those guards are on their way - I doubt they will take kindly to you flouting your device around. I suggest we lay low, quickly.
Ralph: Blast! Let's nip into the men's lavatory!

Narrator: Meanwhile-

(Pain approaches Mara, doing a bit of the Full Monty as he removes his jacket and swings it around above his head, Mara stifling a giggle at the display. Approaching her, Pain clears the desk with one sweep of his arm and then starts tenderly kissing Mara. Mara pulls him down on to the desk, surprising him.)

Narrator: Meanwhile-

(Gyrode and Ralph awkwardly stand in the men's toilets. Gyrode grins widely, stroking his moustache. Ralph is not amused.)

Gyrode: We have to stop meeting like this, people will talk.
Ralph: Oh, do shut up.
Gyrode: Do you come here often?
Ralph: Gyrode, seriously, if you don't-

(The light on Ralph's backpack lights up. The pack begins beeping and whirring. Ralph looks back over his shoulder, biting his lip. Gyrode leans in again, the light reflecting off of his glasses.)

SFX (Backpack): BEEP BEEP BEEP WHIRRR
Ralph: -uh-oh.
Gyrode: Hmm?
SFX (Backpack): BEEP BEEP BEEP
Ralph: It's been a while since I used this, I think there's a power surge building up in the pack!
Gyrode: What does that mean?
Ralph: If I don't discharge this gun now, the pack is going to explode and all they'll find of us is some very soggy clothing!
SFX (Backpack): BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Gyrode: Govno!

Narrator: Meanwhile-

(Mounting Pain on the desk, Mara removes her shirt while Pain kisses her torso. Pain struggles to undo Mara's bra, Mara having to do it for him. Once it's freed, Pain tosses the offending garment over his shoulder, the two sinking back on to the desk.)

Narrator: Meanwhile-

(Gyrode's KGB training kicks in and he immediately decides on a course of action.)

Gyrode: You'll just have to open fire on an empty cubicle!

(He kicks a toilet cubicle open as Ralph takes aim. A stunned Daniel Bleu is sat on the toilet, holding tissue against his bleeding face.)

Bleu: What the-

(Ralph opens fire. The ray hits Daniel and he bursts in a torrent of water, his last expression one of anguish.)

SFX (Raygun): VWOORP!
SFX (Daniel turning into water): SPLOSH!

(The sudden burst of water fires out of the cubicle over the top of Ralph and Gyrode. Gyrode is surprised by this, Ralph just looks annoyed at the impending wetness.)

Narrator: Next door-

(Pain and Mara pause what they're doing on the desk, having heard the noise.)

Mara: Was that you?
Pain: No, I think someone's having fun in the gents...

Narrator: Back in the toilet-

(Gyrode and Ralph look like drowned rats, soaked through with Daniel Bleu.)

Gyrode: Kakogo chyorta...who was that?
Ralph: Who cares? We're still alive!

(The backpack begins beeping again. Gyrode facepalms.)

Ralph: Oh, wait. You're not supposed to get this wet...
Gyrode: Chyort!

(We see events switching back and forth between Pain and Mara in the office and Gyrode and Ralph in the toilet. Pain removes Mara's tights as next door Gyrode wrestles the backpack off of Ralph. Pain begins kissing Mara's neck, working his way up to her mouth as Gyrode shoves the pack down the recently-vacated toilet. The beeping is getting faster and faster. Pain and Mara's hands become interlaced, Gyrode slams the cubicle door shut. As the beeping of the backpack becomes constant, Pain and Mara's grip tightens to imply climax, just in time for the backpack to ferociously explode. The toilet door is fired off its hinges and the two mad scientists are caught in the resulting wall of flame.)

SFX: BOOOOOOOOM!

(In the office the two lovers sit up on the desk, sweating and panting for breath.)

Pain: Blimey! I think the world just moved for me!
Mara: Mmm, me too!