85: The Hacker Guy

Page Notes

Episode published on Sunday 15th of November, 2015.

When this strip was written smart phones weren't really a thing and Apple hadn't yet made smart watches popular. By the time it came to draw this strip smart phones were the norm so the punchline was tweaked and I added the line about the watches becoming fashionable as they were just about entering the mainstream at that point. I just find it funny that people took to smart watches as Dick Tracy came up with the concept over 50 years ago.

Speaking of Dick Tracy, I'm a massive fan of the 1990's film of the same name, hence the homage in the form of red-coated Mick Gracey here. There are a lot of similarities between Dick Tracy and my other favourite hero Batman, in that they are both completely incorruptible and have a large rogues gallery of oddly-faced villains (while Batman has Two-Face, for instance, Dick Tracy goes one better by having a "no-face" in the form of the Blank).

Assuming Mick Gracey survives the car explosion, we may have to revisit Mr. Gracey in a future episode...

Tagged: H.G. the Hacker Guy, Location - Detulux HQ, Location - Paris, France, Max Valerion, Mick Gracey

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Transcript

Title - 85: "The Hacker Guy"

(H.G. turns off the monitor he was watching porn on last episode. It’s one of six monitors he has. His workbench is like a D.I.Y. Batcomputer, with each monitor a different shape and size. A couple of them are ancient. There are wires running everywhere, connecting into different devices; a floppy disc drive, a CD burner, at least two different computer towers. Rubbish and dirty plates are scattered around, a pile of which is sitting on top of a mini fridge he keeps next to his desk. There are fans everywhere, some are pointing at the massive heat-generating server racks. H.G. rubs the back of his neck nervously, Pain watching with a blank expression.)

H.G.: Hi Boss, didn’t see you come in there!
Pain: That was the idea.

(Pain leans down and plucks a packet of crisps off of H.G.’s desk, H.G. eyeing up the rest of the litter scattered around guiltily.)

Pain: Hello, H.G. Nice to see your little grotto is as tidy as ever. Quite warm and cosy, actually.

(Revealed to be in the opposite corner to H.G.’s desk is a boiler that glows warmth with a mess of glowing, boiling hot pipes surrounding it. H.G. absent-mindedly adjusts a fan so it is better positioned towards the server rack.)

H.G.: As I’ve said before, Boss, we really should invest in a cold room for the servers. This heat really isn’t good for the computers.

(Pain begins to eat the crisps in the half-empty packet he's holding, showing little interest in H.G.’s concerns.)

Pain: And as I’ve said before, we’ve got a perfectly good walk-in larder if you’re that worried!
H.G.: That’s a little bit too cold.

(H.G. sticks his tongue out, hugging himself in disgust.)

H.G.: Also, I’m vegetarian. The hanging meat creeps me out.

(Pain leans down and nudges H.G. with an elbow, winking at him. It’s H.G.’s turn to be unimpressed.)

Pain: True, and sometimes it’s not just animal carcasses we store in there, if you catch my drift!
H.G.: Ew.

(Pain starts examining the servers curiously.)

Pain: So, where was my favourite mission controller while I was out getting chased across half of rural Spain?

(H.G. starts repositioning his mouse and keyboard.)

H.G.: On holiday, actually.

(H.G. is startled by Pain patting him on the head.)

Pain: Well isn’t that typical! Alright for some!

(H.G. turns around in his seat and winks at Pain.)

H.G.: Don’t be like that! Ben might not have changed his *holiday plans at the last minute if I hadn’t dropped him a line, if you get my meaning.
Narrator: *See episode 41!

(Pain gets serious, fetching something from inside his jacket.)

Pain: Fair point. Listen, I’ve got something for you.

(Pain presents an old communicator watch. It has a red strap an a pale, metalic chassis. A camera, speaker and number pad are all visible on its face.)

Pain: I figured if keeping in touch is going to be an issue in future, something like this might come in useful. It’s a-

(H.G. reaches for it, his interest peaked.)

H.G.: (interrupting) -A communicator watch. Very 1950’s! Pretty retro, and this sort of thing is coming back into fashion. Where’d you get it?

(Pain grins evilly, looking even more sinister in the dim lights of H.G.'s basement lodgings.)

Pain: Well...

(We cut to a stone-jawed detective in a fedora and trenchcoat pinned down behind a sedan by gangland gunfire. The car is peppered with bullets holes, the firefight having been occuring for a while now. When the detective speaks, it is in a square sans-serif font in the style of old American comics.)

Detective: This isn’t looking good. I’d better call into the boys at the station for backup!

(He raises his left wrist, preparing to make a call on his wristwatch.)

Detective: Calling HQ, come in HQ. I’m pinned down by Lemonface and Triangletop. I need backup urgently-

(The detective looks down at his wrist only to realise his watch is missing. He is suddenly very worried.)

Detective: -oh shit.

(The detective cowers behind the sedan, attempting to protect his head as the car gets holier. It promptly explodes, a tyre rolling away. Back at Detulux, Pain is still grinning.)

Pain: ...let’s just say it’s second hand.

(H.G. begins to examine the watch, not really listening to Pain.)

Pain: No questions asked as to the whereabouts of the first.
H.G.: Yeah, yeah. I can probably wipe this, put a clean O.S. on it-

(Pain shows clear disinterest in H.G.’s technical jargon.)

Pain: -Spare me the technical mumbo jumbo!

(The watch starts talking, much to the surprise of H.G. Pain, however, looks unsurprised.)

Watch: Calling Mick Gracey! Come in, Gracey! This is HQ, over.
H.G.: Wha-

(Pain turns away, trying to find something else to preoccupy himself with. H.G. looks at Pain, waiting for an explanation.)

Pain: It keeps doing that. Just ignore it.

(We get a close-up of the watch as it dangles from H.G.’s hand.)

Watch: Come on Mick. You’ve been missing for three days. We’ve got a message from your wife, she really wants you to come home.

(H.G. looks at the watch, unsure as to what to do. Pain has started to wander away.)

Watch: The boys at the station are missing you too.
H.G.: Er...
Pain: Yeah. The sooner you wipe it, the better, mate.

(H.G. glances at his Boss, who merely looks perplexed back at him.)

H.G.: Boss, have you ever considered just getting a smart phone?
Pain: A smart what-now?

Episode tagline (in the stylised American comics font the detective Mick Gracey spoke in): My greatest regret is that I can’t think of any good reason to ever use this classic American font again. Myah, see?