Page Notes
Episode published on Tuesday 2nd of September, 2008.
The script for this episode? "Pain and Captain fight their way up to the top of the ruined tower. At the end, Bauser's arm transforms". That was basically it, so I cursed Past-me for being so lazy and just made it up as I went along...which is why it's turned out as a compilation of completely random gags. Part of me hates it, part of me loves it.
The ruins Jack Krauser chases you around in Resident Evil 4 were pretty nasty. They weren't up to MC Escher standards, sure, but playing it through the first time it certainly felt like that they were. I had great fun with that Escher panel, and feel quite proud that Detulux isn't the standard gag-per-four panel comic. Detulux has nuances (posh word for detail) sometimes.
Also, a random shout-out to one of the most overplayed songs in my YouTube playlist: "Hellfire". According to one of the forums I frequent, Disney is quite keen on suing people, so here's a test of if my pilfering of intellectual property for parody will get me in trouble (as if Davy Jones advertising Ebay wasn't bad enough). Come on, you just know that Saddler probably spent most of his off-screen time doing something dramatic, and Disney are practically the pioneers of drama! They were at one point, anyway.
Tagged:
The Captain,
Jack Bauser,
Location - Burdener Island,
Location - Spain,
Lord Almond Burdener,
Max Valerion,
Musical interludes
Comments
Transcript
Title - 62: "Occupant Sin 4"
Subtitle - xliii. "Obligatory Prolonged Gunfight"
Narrator: And so begins a fire-fight of epic proportions...
(Pain opens fire at Bauser with his .41 Magnum from the cover of a wall, Bauser returns fire from behind a wall opposite. It's revealed that the walls are only a few feet away from each other like in the Naked Gun films. Bauser reloads his gun.)
Bauser: ...Hmm.
(While he is rustling around for a spare ammunition clip, in the building behind him the Captain appears in a window with both Uzis raised, albeit upside-down from the ceiling.)
Captain: Heh. I have you now, Bau-
(He is cut off mid-sentence as he loses his purchase and we see his legs fall past the window. Bauser doesn't eve notice all this happening behind him.)
SFX: THUD!
Narrator: The shooting continues deeper into the ruins...
(Pain, Bauser and the Captain are in a network of caves and ruins reminiscent of an M.C. Escher painting, with openings, walkways and stairs all around. Bauser opens fire from an elevated spot while Pain blindly returns fire from a staircase below. Up on the ceiling, the Captain is looking at what is happening above him.)
Captain: Hey Boss, whaddaya doin' up on the ceiling?
(Pain and Bauser notice the Captain up on the ceiling and are surprised.)
Pain: (upside-down) I'm not.
Captain: ...Oh cra-
(Captain lands on his head next to Pain, one of his Uzis clattering away down a staircase.)
SFX: CRUNCH!
Pain: (flinching in sympathy) Oooh. Are you alright, Captain old friend? That's three times you've landed on your *bonce now!
*"Bonce" is authentic British slang, meaning "head".
Captain: (dazed) Nougat bicycles with squishy froggies?
Pain: (sarcastic) Oh good, you're fine.
Captain: My nipples are radioactive sponges!
Pain: Probably the most sense you've made in years, anyway. Come on, Bauser's legged it again.
Narrator: And so, the fighting culminates at the top of the tower...
(Pain and Captain corner Bauser on the roof of a crumbling tower. All three have their guns raised. Bauser pulls the trigger only to find his gun empty, Pain finds the same with his. Captain discovers his Uzis are empty, pointing both guns at himself quizzically as they click repeatedly. Pain holsters his gun.)
Pain: Well, that was bloody convenient. It's lucky that we're not all in a comic or something otherwise all of us running out of bullets at the same time would just be a stupendously clichéd cop-out, as if the writer couldn't think of anything original to do.
(Captain looks nervously in the direction of the reader, breaking the fourth wall.)
Pain: Are you going to give in now we have you cornered?
(Bauser's left arm begins to bubble and redden, making a gurgling noise. He doesn't notice this.)
Bauser: Never! Jack Bauser always has something up his sleeve!
(Much to Bauser's surprise, his arm erupts into a monstrous organic blade, flinging away his machinegun.)
SFX: SPLORCH!
Pain: Wow, I didn't know you were speaking literally.
(Bauser examines his arm while remembering back to the events of episode 53 where he injected a heroin syringe into his neck.)
Bauser: What the hell?! I knew that last batch of heroin Burdener paid with me tasted funny! I bet he's laughing about this right now!
Narrator: Meanwhile...
(Elsewhere on the island, music emanates from a vast stronghold. We see inside where Burdener is in front of a roaring fireplace singing a rendition of "Hellfire" from the Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He pauses after a crescendo, hearing two zealots chuckling behind him.)
Burdener: Get out! I told you never to disturb me while I'm playing my music!
Narrator: Back on the tower-
Pain: (to Bauser) Nice wing, bird-man of Burdenercatraz. What's your next trick, laying an egg?
Captain: Heh.
(Bauser turns and swipes his bladed wing-arm at the wall behind him, bisecting it in two horizontally. Captain cowers behind Pain as Bauser advances on the pair menacingly.)
Pain: Scratch that. It appears that I'm the one who's just laid an egg.
Captain: Me too, Boss. Several. In my pants. Brown ones.
Episode tagline: M.C. Escher, that's my favourite M.C., keep your forty I'll just have an Earl Grey tea.
