33: Occupant Sin 4 - xiv. Plot Development 101

Page Notes

Episode published on Monday 29th of January, 2007.

So you stroll into the church and rescue the President's daughter, and by the time you both scramble down the ladder from the upper floor the guy running the show is there, and feels the need to monologue his grand plan like every good villain should. Unfortunately, in Lord Osmund Saddler's case, his sinister persona is rather hampered by the fact that he's quite clearly been influenced by a certain evil emperor from a popular science fiction film franchise. He also has an incredibly nasty habit of punctuating his speech with dramatic pauses, which only serves to make him look pretentious.

The encounter does indeed end with members of Saddler's entourage bursting in firing crossbows, interestingly not just at Leon but at the President's daughter as well...despite Saddler just having explained how central she is to their plan. It's like they didn't get the memo. Leon, rather than use the door like a sensible person, thinks the best course of action is to launch himself and the President's daughter through the nearest window. You'd probably expect Saddler and his cronies to follow them since all they'd need to do is step outside and walk around the side of the church, but this doesn't happen. I guess Saddler is too busy berating his trigger-happy henchmen: "What the hell, guys?! I just spent two minutes explaining how we need the girl alive! What's wrong with you?!?"

Actually, that's a fair point. At no time does Saddler ever indicate that he can speak Spanish, and every time he talks it's in very well-bred English. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's just some American dude affecting a British accent who has something against the Spanish. That still doesn't help with the whole language barrier of his work force (and probably explains why his underlings keep unleashing horrible monsters on the one thing that is vital to his grand plan).

By the way, the villain is called "Saddler" and the regular enemies are called "Ganado", which is Spanish for "the herd" (or "cattle"). See what they did there?

Tagged: The Captain, Location - Spain, Lord Almond Burdener, Max Valerion

---

Comments

---

Transcript

Title - 33: "Occupant Sin 4"
Subtitle - xiv. "Plot Development 101"

(Pain and the Captain approach the church entrance. The Captain has one of his Uzis out in preparation. Pain pulls one of the doors open with a creak.)

SFX: CREEEAK!

(They enter the church, and see a man wearing a purple robe and holding a staff at the front of the altar area, his back to them.)

Pain: Er, excuse me, padre?
Robed man: Hmm?

(The robed man turns to face his visitors, his face in shadow from his hood.)

Robed man: Well, unexpected guests! I'm sorry I didn't have time to prepare a speech.
Pain: Er...yeah, right, whatever. You speak English?
Robed man: Fluently.

(Pain smiles and grins at the ceiling, apparently thanking some sort of deity in his mind for this turn of fortune. The Captain keeps his gun hidden behind his back.)

Pain: Thank god. Look, you seem a sensible, sane man. Perhaps you know what's going on around here?

(The robed man leans forward so that light illuminates his face. He has gaunt features.)

Robed man: My name is Almond Burdener, the master of this fine...*religious* community.
Pain: That's great. Really. But we-

(Burdener interrupts him, raising up a hand dramatically.)

Burdener: We want to demonstrate to the whole world, our astounding power! No longer will the United States think they can police the world forever! So we kidnapped the President's daughter to give her power then...we send her back.

(Pain looks at the man quizzically; the Captain begins circling a finger next to his forehead to imply that Burderner's a whack-job. Pain suddenly twigs what's going on and points at Burdener accusingly.)

Pain: Alright. I get it now! We're stuck in the middle of something big and you're behind it! Whether Salvatore stole whatever biological weapon is making the locals crazy from you or if you stole it from him doesn't matter anymore...

(Dramatic close up as he makes a fist with one hand.)

Pain: ...Because I'm pissed off.
Burdener: That's a shame. Perhaps you should try our cure, think of it as a little...gift.

(Pain crosses his arms.)

Pain: I think he wants us to join the dark side.
Captain: Heh.

(Burdener grimaces.)

Burdener: Why do people always say that around me?
Pain: No idea, Darth. It's in*sidious*.
Burdener: Stop!
Pain: Or what, you'll crush me into Palpatine?
Burdener: Stop that! I order you!
Captain: Haha!

(Using two fingers, Pain makes the Jedi mind trick motion.)

Pain: These are not the droids you seek.

(The Captain points at Burdener while doubled over in laughter.)

Captain: Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Burdener turns away and begins to walk off.)

Burdener: Bah!

(Pain angrily pulls his Magnum out of his jacket and points it at Burdener.)

Pain: Oh no you don't, I see where this is going. If you leave we'll spend the next week chasing your ass all over this village, negotiating tricky traps, stupid puzzles and defeating deranged zealots, and all because I didn't shoot your ass right now. Well I'm not falling for that trick.

(Burdener waves a hand and two robed zealots suddenly appear from behind some pews, toting some crossbows that somehow make a cocking noise despite not actually being weapons that can be cocked.)

SFX: CLICK! CLICK!

(Pain and the Captain run out of the church's main entrance as arrows sail over their heads, the Captain letting off a burst of random gunfire behind him from his Uzi as he runs. The two hug the walls outside either side of the main doors.)

Pain: Quick, back inside-

(Pain enters the church with his gun raised, only to find the place deserted.)

Pain: Aww, shit!

Episode tagline: Someone should really...tell Burdener that...pauses aren't dramatic if you keep...using them.