142. The Mysterious "S"

Page Notes

Episode published on Sunday 1st of December, 2019.

We're late again! Let's just assume this is going to be a regular occurrence, shall we? We've got a good excuse this time though: we've just moved house! On top of that, Microsoft Update decided to remove Jasc Paint Shop Pro 8.0 from our computers for the umpteenth time so I bit the bullet and handled the wording in good ol' GIMP (GNU Image Manipulation Program), which took a little longer to adapt to using than I'd care to admit. On top of that, my web hosting company decided to be responsible (the bastards) and update the PHP version of my server to something resembling a secure version number which promptly broke a bunch of pages on the custom CMS I wrote that runs GunJunker. I'd known about the issues for a while since PHP7 came out but I'm lazy and have only just got around to fixing them because I'm forcing myself not to play Death Stranding during the week otherwise 2AM is going to become my new regular bedtime.

Anyway, this episode has been a long time coming. As I'm pretty sure I've previously mentioned elsewhere Mr. S. Pain is named after my gaming alias from when I was 15 and, in many respects, it's since been an embarrassing indulgence that bordered on the horrendous sin of webcomics in having the main character be a stand-in for the author. To rectify this, Pain is now going to go by his new name "Max Valerion", which is what I named my Fallout 3 character (and all subsequent RPG characters). This means I'm now comfortable with the comic in terms of discussing it in public as I don't have to skirt around the protagonist's name being suspiciously similar to my own!

The comic has a new name, the main character has a new name. It's like a brand new comic! Albeit one with 141 pages of prior lore of admittedly varying quality.

We're probably going to be busy trying to straighten out our new home for a while so I haven't the foggiest when the next page will go live. In the meantime, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year from myself and Sam.

Tagged: H.G. the Hacker Guy, Location - Detulux HQ, Location - Paris, France, Mara Kyler, Max Valerion, Snowball the cat

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Comments

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Transcript

Title - 142: "The Mysterious 'S'"

(Pain sits at his desk, filling in paperwork. Snowball the cat licks himself attentively on the desk. The phone on the desk rings.)

SFX (phone): BEEP BEEP BEEP

(Pain picks up the receiver.)

Pain: Pain.
Voice: It's someone from the Union of Henchmen, they just want to check a few details?
Pain: Fine, put 'em through...Hello?
Operator: Good afternoon, I'm calling from the Union of Henchpersons.

(In an office far away, the operator sits talking into his headset. He is a hipster; blonde hair, a top knot and a ginger beard along with sunglasses.)

Operator: Your staff's membership renewals are due next month so we just want to make sure your details are still correct. Am I speaking to Mr. Spain?

(There's a clear moment of frustration as Pain processes what has been said.)

Pain: Well, your first problem is my name is Mr. S. Pain, not Mr. Spain.
Operator: I'm terribly sorry. I'll correct that now. How do you spell that? E for echo, s for sierra, p for papa...?
Pain: What? No!

(Pain closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration.)

Pain: My surname is “Pain”, P-A-I-N and my first name is "S".
Operator: Okay, terribly sorry. How do you spell your first name, e for echo-
Pain: -It's just the letter "S"!
Operator: ...So the initial is "S"?
Pain: That's correct.
Operator: ...But what does it stand for?
Pain: It stands for "S"!

(The operator looks confused.)

Operator: When you say it's an initial, that implies that it's the initial letter in a name.
Pain: It bloody is! It's the first and last letter!
Operator: An initial cannot be a name, sir.
Pain: Well mine is!
Operator: ...So when your parents named you, they decided that your first name should just be a letter?
Pain: No, obviously not!
Operator: So what is written on your birth certificate?
Pain: None of your bloody business!

(Pain facepalms.)

Operator: Sir, this is a legally binding document I am filling out-
Pain: -You work for an organisation that provides work insurance services for people who specifically work for criminals, how can any of this be "legal"?!
Operator: Either way, my computer won't let me enter one letter into the system. I'm going to need a full name.
Pain: Look, I'll level with you mate. I've made some pretty nasty enemies...

(Pain flashes back to an earlier time. He's unshaven in a grey suit and blue tie with squared glasses. He looks angrily over the should of a slightly younger H.G.)

Pain: ...so back when I started this company I had my on-staff computer hacker remove most references of me from government databases, and the few I did leave around I had changed to "Mr. S. Pain". I do have a first name, but I don't want people to know what it is. Savvy?
Operator: Why not?

(Pain feigns a dramatic pose.)

Pain: It's supposed to be mysterious, isn't it? "Oh he's got a tragic past so he had most of his name deleted. He's the man with one letter for a name".
Operator: If you don't mind me saying, sir...that's a little bit...stupid.

(Pain is about to angrily retort but has a moment of realisation as he has an epiphany.)

Pain: ...You know what? I think you're right. I'm going to do something about it. Give me a call back in a day or so and I'll have a proper name for you.

(He hangs up the call, and then calls H.G. on his wrist communicator.)

Pain: H.G.?
H.G.: Agh! I'm going to have to get used to you popping up on screen like that!
Pain: Not interrupting anything, am I...?
H.G.: I'm definitely not watching porn.
Pain: Good! Stick it back in your trousers and put the lotion away because I want to change my name.

(H.G. looks exasperated.)

H.G.: Again? But it's such a pain in the ass to do!
Pain: H.G....
H.G.: Fine. It'll take about 24 hours to forge up the papers and I'll need some help from Mr. Slymme but it'll be ready for use in three days. Who do you want to be this time?
Pain: Er...

(Pain notices the Buff Manley comic book from the previous episode on the side and reaches for it.)

Pain: …my new name is-

Narrator: Three days later...

(Pain smiles, talking into his phone receiver with a glass of whiskey in one hand.)

Pain: -Max Valerion. I can spell it if you want.
Operator: ...Unfortunately, sir, that's clearly an alias as it's different from what we've got down already.

(Max's smile transitions to a frown.)

Max: Look, for all you know "Mr. Pain" isn't my real name either!
Operator: In that case we definitely need your real name!
Max: ...Joe Fucking Bloggs, sunshine. With two k's.