Page Notes
Episode published on Sunday 8th of October, 2017.
If you're racking your brain right now because you're trying to work out where you've heard "Darkest Peru" from before, it's Paddington bear. He came from there.
Tagged:
Ben Nevis,
The Captain,
Language barriers,
Lenny the Driver,
Location - Detulux HQ,
Location - Paris, France,
Max Valerion
Comments
Transcript
Title - 120: "The Consortium"
Subtitle - ii. "Layers of English"
(It is a nice day outside. Pain is dressed and is flanked by Ben, the Captain and a few elite henchmen. They walk across the courtyard, towards a white limousine. A man with curly hair wearing a pink shirt and driver's gloves leans against the door, smoking the stub end of a cigarette. This is Lenny.)
Lenny: Howay man! Ah heard yee actually want me te drive yee somewhere fre a change?
(The Captain looks at Pain, mildly confused.)
Captain: Where does your driver come from again?
Pain: He's British, Captain.
Captain: I don't get it.
Lenny: Ahm frem Newcassel, marra. Yee knaa, the toon. Wi aal taak proper leik this weor ahm frem.
Captain: ...I got nothin'.
Pain: He's from Newcastle. It's not like he's from darkest bleedin' Peru!
(Lenny approaches the Captain, pointing.)
Lenny: Hoy us a snout, marra. I'm gasping!
(A hand on his hip, Pain looks at the Captain.)
Pain: Well? He's talking to you!
Captain: He is?
(Lenny points at his stubby cigarette.)
Lenny: Aw gan on, gis a tab I can lend till the morra?
(The Captain rubs the back of his head and looks at Pain for help.)
Captain: ...A little help?
Pain: He'd like a cigarette, Captain.
(The Captain fishes out a packet of Fluke Hits from his body armour. Opening the packet, he offers it and Lenny removes one. Lenny lights it with the stub of his existing one before flicking away the used one. He takes a drag.)
Lenny: Aw that's propa champion, like. Ta, marra!
Captain: And I thought French was hard.
(Pain appraches Lenny.)
Pain: Lenny, it's official business this time around so I want to look the bee's knees, hence the need for the limo.
Lenny: Wye aye, man. At least wi won't dunsh into owt wi me driving. Yee drive leik a drunk, Boss.
(Pain winks.)
Pain: That's because I usually am, mate.
(He puts an arm around Lenny.)
Pain: And you drive like my Grandmother on a Sunday afternoon, but you'll do.
Lenny: Yas deed funny. Shaal wuh git ganin?
(Lenny walks towards the limo.)
Captain: That was pretty harsh, Boss.
Pain: On the contrary, you never saw my Grandmother drive on a Sunday. I think she was a getaway driver in a previous life. Or maybe even in this life, come to think of it.
(Ben approaches the limo. He waves at Lenny.)
Lenny: Aareet Ben yee git big Jock bastard, ya'aalreet?
Ben: Lenny ye Geordie dobber, a'am braw. We wull hae tae hae a pint th'gither soon.
Lenny: Wye aye, man. Tha's a canny idea, like. We'll gan doon the boozah wance this is aal ower.
(The Captain looks on, completely befuddled. Pain places a hand sympathetically on his shoulder.)
Captain: You know, when I got this job working for a mostly-British company I thought there wouldn't be any problems understanding people. I thought you'd all speak English.
Pain: There's different layers of English, mate. Wait until I introduce you to Cockney rhyming slang...
