Page Notes
Episode published on Sunday 23rd of July, 2017.
I nicked the "trying to rip my beard out at the roots" line from the Great Race. Great film, I highly recommend it.
Sam informs me that the ginger henchman is called Jerome and that we shouldn't feel sorry for him as nobody likes him anyway. We last saw him back in episode 11 playing darts.
Tagged:
Frank the Henchman,
H.G. the Hacker Guy,
Inspector Jacques Russo,
Jerome the Henchman,
Location - Detulux HQ,
Location - Paris, France,
Max Valerion,
Sebastian Paine the CEO of Detulux
Comments
Transcript
Title - 118: "An Inspector Calls"
Subtitle - xxix. "By the Hairs of His Chinny-Chin-Chin"
(The sun sets over the Detulux compound. Pain is walking around the outside courtyard in his regular white suit but with his Sebastian Paine greatcoat, fedora and walking stick. He has a dainty little moustache and beard. He is approached by a ginger-haired henchman who extends his hand, expectantly.)
Pain: What are you doing?
Henchman: The Captain said that you want to shake my hand?
(Pain pauses for a moment quizzically, realisation dawns. Smiling, he holds out his hand as if to shake the henchman's hand.)
Pain: Oh yeah...
(The hand balls into a fist and sucker punches the henchman in his stomach, laying him out on the floor.)
Henchman: ACK! (collapsing) -eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(Pain kneels down next to the henchman, angry.)
Pain: That's for the photo on the dartboard in the staff room!
(Someone yells at Pain from nearby.)
Voice: You!
(Russo is running at Pain, an accusing finger extended. He's being followed by a few henchmen who are several steps behind.)
Russo: Ai should 'ave known eet was you zé entiyaire time!
(Russo grabs Pain by his coat lapels. Pain just smiles.)
Pain: Why, Inspector, whatever can you mean-
Russo: Shut yur mooth, you fraud. Ai know zat yur moustache eez-
(He grabs Pain by the moustache and pulls, yanking Pain's face in the process.)
Pain: Owww!
Russo: Hmm, zat's réahl-lee on zere. Well, if not la moustaché, zen ze baird-
(Russo tugs on the beard, and Pain's face in the process.)
Pain: OWWWW!
(Russo is confused.)
Russo: What?! But if they are real-
(He realises that H.G. is stood nearby holding out his phone, recording the entire confrontation.)
Russo: -oh non.
(Pain points at Russo, feigning anger.)
Paine: This man is insane! Tryin' to rip mah beard out at the roots! Get this fool offa mah property, you hear?
(Two elite henchmen who have been stood next to H.G. rush forward and restrain Russo, grabbing him by the arms. They start moving him towards the entrance.)
Paine: You will be hearin' from my lawyer, Inspector! Ah have footage of you assaultin' my personage!
(Russo struggles as he is dragged away. He yells over his shoulder at Pain.)
Russo: You're not fouléng me, Pain! You 'aven't seen ze last of Inspectair Jacques Russo!
Pain: (under his breath, to himself) I'm sure we haven't, but you won't be around here again any time soon.
(H.G. approaches, playing with his phone.)
Pain: H.G., get that footage off to Slymme, pronto.
H.G.: Lucky that you thought he might come back, Boss!
Pain: Lucky that my facial hair grows pretty damn quick, you mean!
Narrator: A week later...
(Russo is back in his darkened office, sans jacket and with his tie hanging loose around his neck. He is reading from a slip of paper. We see what he is reading, typed out in a monospace font.)
Letter: From: INTERPOL Head Office. For the attention of Inspector Jacques Russo. Following on from the events of last week, we have since processed the grievance filed by Sebastian Paine's solicitor; an out-of-court settlement has been arranged. The startling video evidence of your so-called "follow-up investigation" was irrefutable proof of their claims and would not have stood up against your counter-claim that the arms dealer you are seeking "looks a bit like Sebastian Paine when you draw a moustache and beard on a photograph of him". Although we appreciate your enthusiasm for the case, we have a new mandate we require for your ongoing investigation. Taking into account your years of excellent service, we will not be seeking disciplinary actions but must require that the Detulux Incorporated headquarters in France remain off-limits for the remainder of this or any other investigations you may undertake. We do not want to see any evidence of you being near the place at all. In fact, given that we understand that Mr. Paine's lawyer is currently filing a restraining order against you, it may be a good idea to just leave the place alone unless you desire actual legal action to be taken against you. We wish you the best of luck in your ongoing investigation and look forward to receiving progress reports going forward.
(Russo pours red wine into a mug while face-palming with his other hand. He looks very annoyed.)
Narrator: END.
