50: Occupant Sin 4 - xxxi. Meanwhile...

Page Notes

Episode published on Friday 20th of July, 2007.

Thought I'd have a bit of fun with some one-off non-canon gags for this strip. I don't overtly hate Apple or Macs, but I do entirely dislike the overall "cleanliness" of their marketing, and the smugness that comes with it. There's no need for it. Besides, Macs do break, and when they do you usually have to go to an Apple Store to fix it. With my Microsoft PC, I can generally find a solution to any problems I have within five minutes of Googling it (note to self: cannot believe I just used "Googling" as a verb).

The Sonic vs. Grand Theft Auto gag was an updated version of an old scribble I drew for a friend. And yes, my Carl Johnson did look like that when I played GTA: San Andreas. Afro, moustache, tinted blue shades...I was trying to make Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy's bastard love child, if you really must know.

Tagged: Location - Detulux HQ, Location - Paris, France, Max Valerion, Melvin Pratt the Environ-mental Protestor, The Merchant, Newbie the Henchman, Non-canon

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Transcript

Title - 50: "Occupant Sin 4"
Subtitle - xxxi. "Meanwhile..."

Narrator: So, as we reach this fiftieth episode milestone, we ask the question: what do the Detulux staff do in the absence of their bosses?

(We see an angled shot on the upper portion of Detulux HQ, followed by a shot of the staff room door. Inside the staff room, the henchmen make the most of not having to do anything. One drums his fingers while another sleeps on a table. One henchman lies on the floor, his head resting on his hands as he lies back. The new guy introduced in the early Detulux strips stands by, a steaming mug of coffee in their hand.)

The new guy: ...Wanna play darts?
Guy lying on floor: Again? I can only throw darts at Pain's face so many times.
The new guy: ...We could patrol the base.

(The other henchmen all look up at him in disapproval.)

Henchmen: ...

Narrator: And so-

(The other henchmen have nailed the new guy to a wall and are taking it in turns to throw darts at him. A dart sticks out of his hat, and another embeds itself in the wall near his arm.)

The new guy: AAGH!
Henchman: Heh!
Armoured henchman: Now *this* is fun!

Episode tagline: Yes, that's the new guy from episodes 2-19#. Not that you care!

(The rest of the episode is a series of non-sequitur skits and pieces. The first of which is a young John Cleese in a suit at a desk on a sunny beach somewhere. On the desk is a cyborg chicken.)

John Cleese: And now for something completely different.
Cyborg chicken: BAAWK!

(The skits are separated by TV-style static.)

Static: FZZZZT!

(There's a yellow title card with a quirky black font on it.)

Title card: AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE OBLIGATORY OVERUSED INTERNET MEME!

(We see Pain and Melvin the protestor standing against a white background. Pain is wearing mirrored aviators, a long grey coat, a white shirt, a red tie and a pair of jeans. He is unshaved and has a cigarette in a long holder perched on his lower lip. Melvin is wearing the same clothes from his appearance in the early Detulux strips, except his shirt now reads "I heart nature".)

Melvin: I'm a Mac.
Pain: And I'm a f***ing PC.
Melvin: I'm environmentally friendly, I recycle my bottles and organic waste and on weekends I volunteer to wash baby seals who are victims of oil tanker spillages while teaching infants how to tie their shoe laces.

(Pain leans forward and lands a headbutt on Melvin's face.)

Melvin: Agh!

(Pain grabs the protestor by his jacket using his left hand, and begins laying into Melvin's face with his right hand.)

SFX: THWACK THWACK THWACK!
Melvin: Urgle!

(Melvin is on the floor on his hands and knees, and Pain now stamps repeatedly on his back with one foot.)

Melvin: Ow-ouch!

(Melvin looks up. There's a bruise on his face, his glasses are buckled and smashed, and there's a tear on his shirt revealing a bleeding gash.)

Melvin: Th-that's not very nice!

(Pain responds by spitting in Melvin's face while setting fire to his beard using his cigarette.)

Pain: PTOO!
Melvin: Urgh!
SFX (cigarette): SSS!

(Pain confronts the reader, pointing accusingly with his left hand while balling his other hand into a fist.)

Pain: You don't get to be the best by being nice. Screw with me and I'll f**k you up, BITCH.

(The Merchant appears, wearing a t-shirt over his coat. It reads "LINUX, Stranger". Pain hefts a large baseball bat over his shoulder while growling at the Merchant, who seems worried.)

Pain: I dare you to say Linux. Go on, *make my day*.

(There is another static transition.)

Static: FZZZZT!

(Davy Jones of Pirates of the Caribbean fame talks to the reader, against a backdrop of lightning.)

Davy: Are ye afraid of DEBT?

(He leans in closer towards the reader, grinning. The eBay logo appears.)

Davy: Sell me yer soul! A hundred years before the 'net!
Narrator: If Davy Jones were alive today he'd be doing advertising like this. BE GLAD he's fictional and dead.

(There's one last panel of static to signal a transition between skits.)

Static: FZZT!

(There's a title card on a black screen.)

Title card: Grand Theft Auto SEGA EDITION

(Sonic the Hedgehog dances about in the Emerald Hill Zone, singing a tune popularised by a series of British Green Cross Code adverts starring hedgehogs.)

Sonic: -And stop and you'll be...King of the road!

(Sonic is oblivious to the purple car speeding towards him. Two characters are riding in the front.)

Car: VROOM!
Driver: EAT 500 HORSEPOWER, BITCH!!!

(The car collides with Sonic, causing a needlessly messy and gory death as Sonic's spinal column is forced through his chest.)

SFX: SPLUTCH!
Car: VROOOOOM!

(Walking past the aftermath of the collision - a mass of twisted blue flesh in a pool of blood between two tyre skidmarks - are the drivers of the car; Clause Speed from GTA3, and CJ from GTA: San Andreas. They are walking towards Dr. Eggman, who is extending a wad of cash towards them while wearing copious amounts of bling.)

Claude: ...
CJ: Fastest thing alive, my ass! Gory enough for you, Doc?
Eggman: Great job, homies. Let's bounce, dawgs.
Captions: Claude Speed - Carl Johnson - Dr. Ivo Robotnik - Sonic the Roadkill - GTA SEGA EDITION, coming NEVER.

Second tagline: And why hasn't Microsoft launched a new advertising campaign in retaliation to the Apple Mac adverts? Oh yeah, they've probably had to reallocate all their publicity money towards fixing all those broken XBOX 360s. See? No bias in my comic! *coughbuyaSonyPS3cough*